So you may have noticed I like Martin. Quite a bit. And over the years I’ve had a load of questions I’d like to ask him. There’s so much we don’t know about his background, like why he decided to help humanity, how long he’s been in the Fifth Column, why he picked Mike Donovan as his first contact.

You would think the thing to do would be to figure out how to get in touch with Frank Ashmore and ask him to cast his mind back to the time he played this role and get him to answer these questions. But no that would be mature. And I don’t do that. In fact, the very thought of having anything to do with actual Frank Ashmore at all is just terrifying. He turned up on a thread I was in on Facebook recently, saying something completely innocuous like “Hi, hope you and the family are well” to someone else in the thread and I got so freaked out I slammed the laptop shut and didn’t log back in for a week.

Yes, deep down I’m still 12.

But also, I don’t think Frank Ashmore would be quite ready for the special kind of New Zealand style fandom that combines cheerful devotion with sheer menace. Case in point: I was once at a Mutton Birds concert in Shepherd’s Bush several years back and the audience was almost entirely made up of Kiwi ex-pats. I had elbowed my way to the very front and right behind me were a group of very loud and enthusiastic men who spent the whole concert yelling various compliments (a.k.a. threats) at bass guitarist Alan Gregg. This eventually descended into them simply chanting “Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!” over and over again. There was one perfectly timed moment between sets where one of them shouted for all to hear: “Hey Alan! Nice shoes Alan!” I swear I have never heard anything so sinister in my entire life.

So no, I think it’s better for everyone if we let Frank Ashmore sit this one out and instead put this out into the universe and have faith that these questions will somehow get answered. By a fictional and dead lizard alien. Ok I know. I know.

Anyway I have thousands of questions but I’ve narrowed it down to twenty. These are the most important ones I think. Here goes nothing:

Hi, how are you feeling today?

What’s your favourite colour?

(Yeah look, I know, I’m pretty nervous, I’m just warming up)

What are some other things that are universal? Love for our children? Having an inner life? Nightmares? Early morning erections? I dunno – you tell me.

When you say Fifth Column what kind of colunn is it? Like a column in an excel spreadsheet? Or a building column? Corinthian, Ionic or Doric?

Where does your allegiance lie on the BBC’s Snake vs Iguana? I admit it must be tough for you to choose with them both being reptiles but the iguana does have legs and the snake is the one who starts the shit here.

What is the worst thing you ever tasted? (And I want you to really ruminate on this one.)

There’s something I’ve always wanted to know about you and Mike Donovan with this key in this shuttle here.

Which one of you is the Mary and which is the Rhoda?

Just hypothetically, what if you were on board a commercial tug spaceship with a deadly alien predator and a ginger cat. Would you save the cat? (And if the answer is anything but yes will you please not tell me?)

So did you consciously choose to look just like Dirk Benedict or was that face assigned by someone higher up who has a thing for Battlestar Galactica?

Do you know a Visitor Youth Leader called Brian?

Would you happen to know his feelings about underaged Polynesian girls? (Asking for a friend)

Did it ever occur to your people to pass yourselves off as sharks instead of humans? I ask because firstly sharks are cool and secondly I’ve seen some disguises that are quite credible.

I want you to look at this picture and tell me how it makes you feel? Deep down inside?

How about this?

Approximately how many packets of marshmallows do you think we would need to turn these two motherships into S’mores?

My uncle Mac says anything more than a mouthful is a waste. What’s the biggest thing you think you could fit in your mouth?

Imagine, if you could be an hors d’oeuvre, any hors d’oeuvre, what kind would you be?

Why don’t you smile more? You have such a pretty face. It’s such a shame.

Think about something that makes you happy. Might it be this?

I was in Aberystwyth once where I saw a seagull attempt to swallow a chicken carcass it had gotten out of a rubbish bin. The seagull managed to get the whole thing into its mouth but then realised it wouldn’t be able to swallow so regurgitated the whole thing up again. There are some things once seen you just can’t un-see.

That one wasn’t a question, more of a statement really.

Would you like a cuddle?

Please send your answers to admin@whenmartindied.com or, on the off chance you are Frank Ashmore, maybe not as you may induce some kind of regressive psychotic meltdown. Admittedly, I probably could afford therapy but I’m also saving up to landscape the garden and maybe go back home to visit the folks next year. Thank you.