Computers!
Yes any of us who live on these blighted isles subjected to any BBC documentary about computing in the 80s knows this is the time to break out “Computer Games” by Mi-Sex.
But before we go patting ourselves on the back for recognising this “obscure” retro curiosity, I’m here to tell you that as a New Zealander who was alive and sentient in the early 80s how completely ubiquitous this song was. Blaring out of every garage, hairdresser, ice cream van for what felt like a decade this song was inescapable for us. I still get involuntary twitches in my left eye each time I hear it.
Speaking of feelings of inescapable dread, the V television series continues. And there is a point to all this because this week we delve into the world of computers. And when I say delve, I mean there’s some monitors and keyboards and things that go “bloop” so don’t expect to get a free lesson in C++ or anything.
We open with Diana offering to peel Lieutenant James another goldfish. It perplexes me as to what she sees in him. No offence to Judson Scott – he’s banging – but his character James is an A-grade loser. He’s failed miserably at everything in every episode to date now but nevertheless he and Diana are wallowing in some post-coital discussion about what a pair of winners they are.
Oh no no, it seems they are both counting their chickens as, despite everything that’s happened thus far they are still certain their latest plans for total domination will hold. We’re not told what this plan is. That honour is left to Frank Ashmore who is glumly stalking around the junkyard set on Earth wondering if his life might have been better if he’d taken that job on Falcon Crest instead.
Mike and Kyle soon arrive to hear the bad news that the Visitors have got a computerised battle sphere designed by The Leader himself. I’m a little hazy on the details because my mind has drifted a little bit thinking about whether WWII would have happened if someone had given Hitler a Twitter account and a lifetime supply of cream buns. Then Kyle is absolutely astounded that Philip suggests that the Resistance might be able to defeat The Leader’s computer with another computer. That’s crazy talk!
Mike and Kyle then start to say what they all need is Dr. Atkins which shouldn’t be a surprise as that diet is crazy popular with their demographic. All three men emphatically agree this is a sound decision. Philip is going to download the meal plan and get it to Mike and Kyle who will go to the store to buy the eggs and bacon. Kyle is not sure he trusts Philip but Mike tells him to shut up because he looks exactly like Martin so what’s not to trust?
Back on the mothership the Visitors are celebrating the perigee of their sun which sounds exactly like the sort of joyless holiday these alien assholes would like. As part of these celebrations Diana announces “it’s time to announce the King and Queen of the Prom”. Apparently Philip has managed to scoop both those titles which seems a little unfair.
The “battle sphere”, which I kid you not is one of those static ball lamps from the 1980s, is then installed into the mothership with great ceremony. Personally I don’t understand why the Resistance needs to do anything. If the Leader is as much like Hitler as everyone says then why not just let it run anyway? I mean Dunkirk anyone? Stalingrad? Oh never mind.
On top of all this there is a hacker that has been causing havoc on the Visitor computer system. What better time to hook the Leader’s battle plan up to the main system then? James has been sent to track down the hacker which means, well the way this show has been going so far James is about to get his ass kicked by a bonafide nerd. Can’t wait.
Lydia is completely schnockered and is trying to clamber onto Philip’s lap while he’s still standing up. As a connoisseur of workplace Christmas Party drama I would prefer to see how that story plays out. But no. Unfortunately this episode has things to do, flaccid plot to expose, stock footage to churn through. The line officers all go to the bridge and stand pointlessly around the battle sphere while James declares he’s pinpointed the source of the hacker. This leads everyone to make veiled comments about James’ sexual prowess which means either Diana has a big mouth, or everyone’s had him already and Diana’s just getting sloppy seconds.
Back on Earth we cut to the Atkins family, well, father and son. Because surprise surprise, the hacker is just some punk kid on dial-up. What an innovative plotline! No one ever thought of that before!
The father of Henry the hacker is the aforementioned Dr. Atkins. Dr. Atkins not only developed a somewhat dodgy diet that clogs your arteries, but is also a computer genius. That is pretty lucky because both Kyle and Donovan are worried about their weight right now and maybe he can also help them with the Visitor battle sphere? But just as our hopes begin to rise James swoops in and captures Dr. Atkins because he overdid it with the goldfish in Diana’s quarters earlier and wants to get onto it before he sprouts love handles.
James is right to feel insecure because Diana is already lining up a series of men who have been working on their pecs. One of Oswald’s many functions seems to be finding men for Diana to to be disappointed by. The guys chosen look like they’d appeal more to a male audience than female, there’s a reason for that. That’s because Oswald is gay. Do you get it? Oswald is gay? Look I know it was the 1980s and this was pretty novel for prime time television. It was supposedly a big breakthrough at the time but, really.? Oswald is a pretty negative stereotype despite Peter Elbling’s excellent performance. And he makes the “quirky gay friend” in any given Julia Roberts movie look like sophisticated character development. Bring on Michael Tolliver I say.
Diana soon learns that Dr. Atkins is on board the mothership and will now interrogate him for his bacon and cheese muffin recipe. Remember the days when Diana’s conversion chamber was horrific and Faye Grant almost gave herself a nervous breakdown acting out the horror of painful psychological torture? Yeah the series is exactly like that now. See?
Just when it looks like Dr. Atkins is going to ask Diana to peel him another goldfish he suddenly crumbles and gives up his son after mere seconds of having some doodads stuck to his forehead.
Meanwhile Philip has managed to get his hands on the meal plan for Mike and Kyle. He stares at what looks like some kind of 1980s refrigerator part and looks mildly conflicted. Evidently there isn’t as much barbeque steak on the menu as he was hoping.
Mike and Kyle are at the shop planning to buy every egg in sight. Unfortunately the eggs are all on the floor and Dr. Atkins gave away the last can of tuna to some old lady so she could feed her cat. Dr. Atkins is gone and all that’s left is this kid Henry who has an attitude or something. He’s probably a vegan.
We then see stock footage of Donovan from the original miniseries photographing an air base somewhere outside Los Angeles. We are told he’s searching far and wide for Dr. Atkins. This search seems a little unnecessary when logic would dictate he’s likely to be somewhere on the mothership, probably in Diana’s custody. But if it were me doing this search, yeah maybe I’d start at the pub first, maybe I’d follow that up with a visit to the local chippy, maybe the shop next door to the chippy (just behind the chocolate display), and then I’d check the pub once more just to be certain.
Donovan has some intel that Dr. Atkins is being held at the airbase he was photographing in stock footage. We then cut to whatever pitiful set is standing in for an air base where all the people from the Atkins’ neighbourhood are found captive. We the audience know Dr. Atkins is not in here but the old lady is, which means, yes, we have found the tuna fish. Hurrah!
So after all this effort to liberate the normies held at the air base, Donovan finds out from Philip that Dr. Atkins is Diana’s prisoner on the mothership. What other “hot takes” might Philip be able to provide the Resistance one wonders? The Visitors are from another planet? The mothership is in the sky? Bacon fat is actually bad for your heart?
Now for this episode we have to believe that Donovan has suddenly become an unreasonable asshole who doesn’t know how to comfort or inspire young people. Henry is pretty annoyed that the Resistance has fouled up rescuing his dad. The Resistance needs the boy to hack into the battle sphere but he doesn’t want to because he’s a petulant teenager and clearly he’s scared. Then instead of giving Henry a pep talk like he usually would, Donovan uncharacteristically starts shoving this kid who is nearly half his size and shouting at him. I guess this is so Kyle can be the reasonable one who talks the boy around. I have nothing against Kyle but this “Mike is an insensitive prick” line is nonsense.
Of course the only computer in the whole city that the Resistance can use is at Science Frontiers. Oh yeah that reminds me of the existence of Julie. She’s quite good with computers but conveniently not around. Most likely at the Resistance Ayahuasca retreat in Esalen. It’s a temporary win in Faye Grant’s ongoing battle to get written off the show, but I’m sure it won’t last.
There is an obligatory “James turns up at Science Frontiers and gets his ass kicked” scene. And somehow Elizabeth manages to get the computers working in seconds even though the power is off and the computer hasn’t been booted in months. Of all the miracles I’ve seen Elizabeth perform, I have to say this is the most impressive.
The rest of this episode is like watching someone else pretending to play video games on an old Wang word processor as Henry hacks into the battle sphere. The producers must have been delighted at the big budget special effects the actors would have used to describe the action.
What are you doing now?
I’m making two skyfighters fly at each other and crash!
What else?
Now I’m making fifty skyfighters explode in formation to recreate the stars on the American Flag. Now I’ve built a giant robot octopus that has just started having ‘relations’ with the mothership.
(I mean yeah if budget is no issue, why not?)
Meanwhile, up on the mothership, Philip is handed a piece of paper and quite rightly says “What is this?” In actual fact, if I were Philip I would be asking what the fuck is this? Why do these aliens, who have the technology to travel across the universe, terraform the Earth and blow up the whole planet with one mega-bomb use so much bloody paper? I mean look at it all! It’s ridiculous!
Philip’s questions about paper are not appreciated by Diana and Lydia. They quickly turn on him and accuse him of duplicitousness because he wasn’t in his quarters the night before. Diana and Lydia know because they checked in on him and left him a mean note which said:
“Dear Philip , we came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore you are gay. Signed Tiffany and Amber”
It’s exactly this kind of clever logic which allows Diana and Lydia to sniff out Philip as a member of the Fifth Column. What will happen next? Yes, that’s right. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s so dysfunctional, everything happens and yet nothing happens, it’s like Britain or something. And what did we learn this week? Yes, that’s right, low carb/high fat diets are full of shit.
The rest of the episode is yet more stock footage of things exploding. Most egregious of all is the repeat of Lydia telling Diana “better luck next time” which is from Dreadnought. When you can’t even afford to have June Chadwick make a bitchy remark which takes five seconds to say, you are in serious budgetary distress. Perhaps next week’s episode will just be this scene in an infinite loop? It would be a vast improvement on this week.
When Martin Died 