Disgruntled Frank Ashmore fan watches V “The Champion”

Where were we? Oh yes, I left my last Disgruntled Frank Ashmore fan post on a cliffhanger. We wanted it to all stop. It alas, continues.

To be fair V the Series does have its place. It provides for an audience who are looking for scripts written by ten-year-olds, but find Home and Away too intellectual.

Let’s return to the opening shots of this week’s episode of Dukes of Lizzard, V. We open with Donovan and Kyle being pursued by the local sheriff who is, in keeping with Anglo-Saxon tradition, utterly corrupt. Like that one boy in your class who went through puberty before everyone else and used it to their advantage, the Sheriff is extracting menaces from anyone travelling through their town/county/these-here-parts. Unfortunately Mike and Kyle have strayed into his territory with a pickup truck full of guns and ammo. Bum.

Mike tells the local Sheriff “We’re doing Tucson tomorrow” which apparently is an American phrase used fairly universally to impress people.

We’re then introduced to an extremely attractive woman named Kathy Courtney played by Deborah Wakeham. Fair warning. Those of you who are Donovan/Julie shippers will be bitterly disappointed with the direction this episode goes. Kathy helps Donovan and Kyle see off the evil goons and then offers to give him a pull with her tractor which unfortunately we don’t get to see.

Kathy turns out to be a woman worth her weight in gold. Not only does she have guns (a feature many Americans find attractive in a potential mate) she also puts on a slap-up dinner for Mike and Kyle. And while putting on dinner we learn that she is a widow with a feisty daughter who we are all supposed to mistake for a feisty son because she has a hat and a gun. I think we’re supposed to really like the daughter Jessie and get invested in her or something, but what for? It’s only one episode, and I’m just sitting here thinking “Where the fuck is Polly Maxwell right now? Huh?”

At least she’s not hanging out at the Desert Dollar with the Sheriff and his henchmen. Because not only are they charging people for protection from the Visitors, they are also in league with them. They are given the job of rounding up the horses on the Courtney ranch to deliver to the Visitors. (Can’t wait until we get to see them swallow one of these whole.)

After much debate about what to do about the horses and these new troublemakers in these-here-parts the Sheriff decides that going up there and randomly shooting at the ranch is the best course of action. They haven’t accounted for Donovan and Kyle’s abilities to deflect random shooting. It’s been well proven many times in this series already. This attack on the ranch causes Donovan to ditch his plans to “do Tucson” tomorrow and Kyle is dispatched alone so that Donovan can spend more time getting pulled by Kathy’s tractor (again mostly off-camera but we know that’s why he’s really staying). Oh and to get chased by a skyfighter while riding a white horse again.

Meanwhile on the mothership, you may recall the last episode featured V‘s very own version of the Royal Wedding. Only instead of being held at St Paul’s Cathedral and presided over by the head of the Church of England, this is held at Plants ‘R’ Us and officiated by a rubber-faced lizard with a fruit bowl on his head.

Lydia, out of jealousy spiked Diana’s ceremonial wedding drink with cat poison. And Diana cannily detected the poison and swapped drinks with Charles and …

So in this episode we pick up with Lydia incarcerated for her crime which means we’re going to be treated to seeing the intricacies of the Visitor legal system. I can’t wait – I’m sure the writers have dwelt on this about as heavily as they did on Visitor wedding ceremonies.

Lydia’s prison garb is certainly very well thought out, some form of grey sack with an inverted letter F on it. Undoubtedly a cry for help from the show’s wardrobe department. June Chadwick nevertheless looks fabulous, continuing her successful streak of rocking the low-slung belted tunic look. Diana offers Lydia her last meal of scorpion (how imaginative) which Lydia eats but saves the sting in the tail, which she flings at Diana in protest. Punk rock. Vivienne Westwood would be proud.

This legal process seems to be progressing as expected, the next step is to place Lydia in front of what looks like an up-ended rotary clothes line which goes “woop-woop”. But the Inspector-General makes a surprise arrival in the middle of all this. We hear him first as he yells “Stop!” before the camera pans to him and I think we’re all supposed to be utterly astounded that he looks like this:

What follows has got to be one of the more pathetic explanations for the return of someone who looks like Martin ever written. Bearing in mind this is a science fiction show which provides a lot of scope for any number of probable lampshades: he could be a clone; or a version of Martin from an alternative universe; or someone wearing Martin’s fake skin just to fuck with the Resistance; or even actual Martin who has left the iron on in Liberation Day and just the thought of that was so unbearable he had to come back from the dead to switch it off.

But no what do we get? Twin brother. What’s worse is they try to baffle us with science as Philip announces he and Martin were formed from the same zygote. Why did he have say it like that? You’re his twin brother you twat.

Now what with all this fancy talk and his new well-fitted, well-braided uniform it is being telegraphed to us that Philip is supposed to be more powerful, cleverer and a better fighter than his brother. All these points though proceed to be totally undermined in the following episodes when this comes hard up against the cardinal rules of the show which are:

1. Diana always outwits everyone,
2. Donovan always wins every fight, and
3. The Leader will always be an unreasonable arsehole.

Frankly, it doesn’t bode well for Philip.

Back at the Courtney ranch Donovan is trying to resuscitate the local Resistance. Right now it’s Kathy and her underage daughter and that’s it. But great news the numbers swell by 33% when grizzled Joe turns up. I think he thought there was going to be chicken pot pie, he does look slightly disappointed at only receiving a cup of tea at the meeting. Donovan says some worrying things about seeing things through all the way as if he’s planning on sticking around these-here-parts for a while. Don’t worry, I’m sure “all the way” will take us to about, oh, the end of this episode.

Mike’s shenanigans on the white horse have however come to the attention of Lieutenant James, who by now is very familiar with how Donovan manages to trick every skyfighter to fly into the side of a hill. It looks like if you want a job done properly James, (i.e. suffering another humiliating defeat at the hands of Mike Donovan) you have to do it yourself.

Finally, some good news on board the mothership. No it’s not the rhoticity of Frank Ashmore’s accent which means we’ve had to add extra time to filming to give him enough time to say the name Charles. Well that is good.* But no, the good news is that the bullshit Visitor due process somehow means that Diana and Lydia must now fight to the death.

Oh it is on man! We have been waiting for this showdown for over half a season now. After 13 episodes of bickering, bad mouthing and competitive tit-thrusting we finally get to see some action. Not that kind of action because this is a PG show, but then that’s what they thought about the Super Bowl XXXVIII half-time show so there’s still hope right? Maybe Philip isn’t so bad after all!

But before that, we take some time out to visit the Resistance at Spohn Ranch (no it’s still not Spohn Ranch but we still want it to be). This insert has two purposes. One is to remind you that the Resistance consists of more than Marc Singer’s incredible pants, and two is to increase the anticipation of the CAT FIGHT OF THE CENTURY (can’t wait).

Faye Grant’s ongoing campaign to get written off the show has failed once again. This week Grant asked the writers if Julie could be killed off in a Blues Brotherseque car crash blaze of glory that somehow causes half of California to crash into the ocean, but they talked her down to a bad case of whiplash instead.

Julie has gotten wind of the fact James can’t wait to turn up to these-here-parts to have his ass handed to him again by Donovan. I do love that Juliet’s call sign here is Hedgehog. Those of you who read my series on the historical inspiration for V will know this is Faye Grant giving a nod to Marie-Madeleine Fourcade who inspired her character and whose code name was Hérisson (which is French for Hedgehog).

Kyle arrives at Spohn having now done Tucson apparently in a much more slapdash fashion than Debbie did in Dallas. Kyle, Willie and Elizabeth are now dispatched to go help Mike (who doesn’t need the help really). Kyle is sent because he is a really good fighter, Elizabeth has useful tingles and ahs, and Willie is about as useful as tits on a bull. But we love him, so why not.

And now. The much anticipated CAT FIGHT OF THE CENTURY!

What the actual fuck? WHAT? I can’t remember the last time I felt so robbed. Oh no, yes I can. One day I went to Bordeaux Bakery on Featherstone Street, which at the time was the best place to buy patisserie and pies. My favourite thing was their chocolate éclair which after much internal conflict of conscience I bought one afternoon to have as a treat back at my desk at work. But while walking back to Thorndon a sudden and violent gust of the infamous Wellington wind came whipping round the corner of Whitmore Street, ripped open my paper bag and ruthlessly threw my éclair onto the ground into the gutter! Icing side down! I stood there for a full minute staring at the gutter, empty bag fluttering in what had now dropped to a mere breath of a breeze wondering how can there be a God if these things can happen?

So look, there’s no way that fight was ever going to be good as that éclair. You can totally see that it’s two stuntmen wearing wigs for half of it, the choreography is lacklustre (well they are only chicks after all), the zingers lack bite and there is just not enough hair-pulling, tit-punching or nipple twisting. Granted this was filmed before Linda Hamilton got ripped for T2 but still, Diana and Lydia are supposed to be the main villains of the piece, and their fight was underwhelming crap that didn’t even last that long.

Oh well. What’s Lieutenant James up to then? Apparently proving that the Visitors are not in any way ready for the Courtney ranch horses. James is obviously really struggling to swallow one live rat whole, what chance has he got with a horse? And also, technical question. What about the horseshoes? Will he take them off first? Is it like eating prawns still in the shell?

I’ve clearly given this way too much thought so it’s just as well feisty Jessie has turned up with her 30-30 to shoot out James’ skyfighter guns. This is the prelude to the Resistance turning up and somehow kicking his ass. How this happens beggars belief as Mike and Kyle do all the fighting while Kathy and Jessie hide and Willie and Elizabeth – who knows what they are doing? They are utterly superfluous to this scene. Mike and Kyle manage to prevail, even though they are outnumbered and outgunned. In the middle of all this James then makes a rather abject run for it because, it’s in the script I guess?

Having seen the Visitors off while Kathy and Jessie did absolutely nothing (though I did enjoy Joe’s contribution to the fight) Donovan declares the these-here-parts Resistance a complete success which makes no sense at all. Yes folks, this is “all the way”. Jessie is of course heartbroken that her new father figure who she’s only known for two days is now departing. It’s all supposed to be really touching, but do I care? Not really.

Just when you thought it was all over we return to the mothership one last time to see Diana and Lydia sniping at each other at the Visitor Beauty salon. They are soon joined by Philip who is there to tell them there is yet another bullshit Visitor directive that we will surely forget about within the first five minutes of the next episode. They are now each other’s keeper which means … absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing is going to happen to anyone. It’s like a nightmarishly dull version of Palm Springs where everything will course correct to the same static place it was when we started. Nothing moves on, nothing happens, even though everything happens. This show is so dumb it has somehow managed to generate its own event horizon. It is both everything and nothing. I can’t wait to see what happens, and doesn’t happen, next week.

On that note, I leave you with this:

*I am also extremely fond of the way he says the word “door”.