Do you have a personal problem or an ethical dilemma that’s causing you to lose sleep? Don’t just curl up and bite your pillow. Our panel of Fifth Columnists can help you with whatever issues you may have (unless you need weapons or uniforms or help escaping from the mothership, we can’t help you with that).
Unrequited love
I really like this girl but I’m too scared to ask her out. How do I get up the courage to tell her how I feel?
Martin says:
Take her down to your basement where the bodies of thousands of humans are kept in suspended animation in order to show her that you respect and trust her. While she is still thinking about that ask her to marry you.
Philip says:
Wait until there is a festival where her hapless favourite younger brother is offered up as blood sacrifice (like, what do you call it? Easter?). Rescue him from death at the last minute. She’ll be in your lap in seconds.
Parking ticket
I recently got a parking ticket which I think was unfairly issued. There was no clear signage indicating that it was a metered area. How should I plead my case?
Martin says:
On my planet justice is swift and final. Your car would be crushed on the spot by a car compactor with you in it.
Philip says:
If you’re willing to consider a day trip to Barnard Castle I might have a way I can get you out of it.
Fate of the modern world
I lie awake at night worrying about the fate of the modern world. I’m afraid that cataclysmic climate change will destroy us and our very way of life.
Martin says:
We’re doomed. Try not to think about it.
Philip says:
Fear not. Drift off to a restful night’s sleep with these three things: 1) The Shipping Forecast, 2) A Gillian Anderson poster 3) A stiff… hold that thought, Amazon’s at the door. Be right back…
In search of…
Um, hi … do you know a Visitor Youth Leader called Brian?
Martin says:
Oh dear, you poor child. That boy is, …just no.
Philip says:
Not Brian no, but I do know his parents socially through our mutual interest in nuclear detonation oriented sports (mostly golf) and they are very keen to meet their grandchild. I’ll tee it up.
The Angry Ghost of Martin says:
Philip, you disappoint me. Deeply.
Email anxiety
I looked at my colleague’s Sent Items when I was sitting at her desk and she was writing very nasty emails to another colleague. They were hard core bitching about everyone in the office. My feelings are hurt. What should I do?
Martin says:
Do nothing. Say nothing. Bottle it up deep down inside you and bear a grudge for years until one day you completely explode and flame out, missing your target and taking yourself out in the process.
Philip says:
Set up a court in your office lunchroom and make the errant emailers wrestle to the death in a pool of equal parts: live lizards; mud and jelly. Are they both female? Just curious.
Another parking ticket
I was issued with a parking ticket for over-staying the free two hours allocated in the Sainsbury’s parking lot. I did over-stay by three hours, but I feel it was bit unfair because this was on my birthday! Can you help me plead my case?
Martin says:
FFS what bearing does your birthday have at all? Did anyone ever ask me when it was my birthday? No! Not once. Not Diana. Not Steven or Pamela. And especially not Mike Donovan. Honestly some people.
Philip says:
Not me. Everyone knows when it’s my birthday.
Martin says:
Oh shut up Philip, you smug prick.
Platinum Jubilee Street Party
My neighbours have invited me to a Platinum Jubilee Street Party this weekend and it is so cringe-worthy. They organised a trestle table, bunting and Victoria Sponge and cordial and there’s even talk of Pimms for the adults. Awful! Any ideas on how I can ruin the fun for everyone?
Martin says:
Just turn up and be yourself. You sound like a miserable ****.
Philip says:
Better yet, do everyone a favour and stay inside the whole weekend.
Bearer of bad news
I’m a little bit concerned about my boyfriend’s son since he returned from the mothership. He’s a nice enough kid but I’ve noticed if I mention the Fifth Column at all his head starts rotating 360 degrees and he walks up the walls onto the ceiling like a human spider. I tried to raise this odd behaviour with the boy’s father but he really tore me a new one and threatened to end the relationship. Any tips for raising the topic again more gently?
Martin says:
That sounds really hard for you. And unfair. You sound like a kind, strong, and intelligent person who deserves much better. Sounds to me like you should consider taking a break along with some time to reflect, perhaps while in the arms of one of your boyfriend’s more mature, reasonable and ectothermic friends?
Philip says:
Or even that friend’s long-lost brother?
Martin says:
Look Philip, I’ve had it with you. Why do you always have to horn in on everything I do!?
Mrs Fifth Column says:
Alright that’s enough you two! Martin you know Philip finds it hard to make friends on his own and is desperate to impress, so can you be a bit more patient with him please? And Philip what did we say about Martin needing his space? We all know how he can lash out and go whackadoodle when he feels cornered.
Martin and Philip say: Yes ok , sorry Ma.
Mind your language
I’ve been learning te reo Māori (the language of the indigenous people of my country) and recently been getting quite good at it and been sharing this with my children. But when I speak Māori with my kids my boyfriend, who is Pākehā gets so upset and feels left out and doesn’t understand what’s going on. He says he feels like a foreigner in his own house. How can I discreetly honour my heritage while being sensitive to my boyfriend’s feelings?
Martin says:
Have you considered the problem is not the language acquisition, but the fact that your boyfriend is being a fragile entitled dick?
Just dump him.
Philip says:
I agree with Martin. Your boyfriend doesn’t appreciate you for the Wahine Toa that you are. I would gladly offer myself as alternative company if it weren’t for that fact you will think my kind are hideous reptilian venom-spitting monsters.
Wahine Toa replies:
Kia Ora Piripi, me again, uh actually we prefer birds and lizards over mammals down here. I’d swerve for a gecko (but not for a possum – die scumbag die!). If you’re ever in Kaikohe you’re welcome to drop by for a cuppa. xxx Pania
The perfect gift
My boyfriend is about to celebrate a significant birthday. He is very kind and self-effacing and has said that I shouldn’t make too much of a fuss this year. But he has been so supportive of me recently during family tragedy and I would love to get him something which is a really nice treat but not too extravagant. Any ideas?
Martin says:
Dump him!
Philip says:
Dump him!
Another boyfriend question
Hi! My boyfriend …
Martin says:
Dump him!
Philip says:
Dump him!
Another boyfriend question contd.
But I haven’t even told you what my question is…
Martin says:
Dump!
Philip says:
A note to our readers
Hi folks! Just a quick note to let you know that The Fifth Advice Column is going to take a short break while our panel take a bit of a hiatus. The panel would like readers to know they very much liked reading your letters and have enjoyed offering their help in whatever way they can.
We at When Martin Died wish you all very well and are in no way liable for any consequences arising from any advice followed. Thank you.
When Martin Died 